Kill 'Em With Kindness

 The School Social Worker

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Below is a combination of what I learned through my education but also through experience as a school social worker.  Some of what you read may seem like basic knowledge, and it is.  If that's the case, I hope you find it helpful to know that you're not alone in your role and you find this as helpful reminders on how you practice.  You play a vital role in your students lives and at times it can feel isolating.  If you're new to school social work I hope you find the information helpful as you find your niche within the world of school social work.  

Being nice.  When working in schools you encounter all types of students. A hand full of these students will have maladaptive skills that are interpreted by adults as rude, disrespectful, defiant, or even flat out mean.  Some of these students may have mental health diagnoses such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD), or Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).  Maybe they are not diagnosed and that's up to you to assess.  Whatever the case may be these student behaviors towards adults are negative and inappropriate.  It can be frustrating and really test your patience and it's HARD TO BE NICE!  

Here's my most recent interaction with a student who displays maladaptive and defiant behaviors.  

Me: Hey! I missed you this morning in our meeting!  Where were you? 

Student: I didn't come. 

Me:  I know, how come? 

Student: Because I don't like you so I"m not coming to them. 

Me: What a bummer, hope to see you next time!

First off, this made me giggle a bit.  It was a very brief interaction as the student was involved in a conversation with another adult.  In my previous interactions this student makes similar comments to me.   It can be hard to be nice when enduring these interactions.  Here are some go to KIND statements I use when struggling to "be nice" to students who are behaving in such a manner. 

"I'm glad you're here today." 

"So good to see you."

"I'm proud of you for advocating for yourself." 

"I hope you have a great day." 

"I believe in you." 

"I'm here if you need anything." 

Arguing with students or pointing out their inappropriate behaviors or aggressive ways of communicating typically will escalate their emotions and their behaviors.  Even though you may struggle with "liking" this student, you're still rooting for them and want to avoid any significant consequences, like out of school suspension. Remind yourself of this daily! You're still on their team. When emotions get high, it's tough to think clearly (something to teach the kids!).  In these cases, it's best to say very little.  

Listening and asking questions is another route you can take. If a student is communicating in an aggressive manner but their emotions are escalated after a negative experience, they may just need someone to listen.  Make sure to focus on them, making eye contact, nodding, and even making quick verbal acknowledging statements.  Your body language and expressions can make a difference! 

Ask questions if you have the opportunity.  Particularly, "what is something I can do for you?", "What is something you need to get through the day?", or "What is something you need right now?" This gives the student a mindful opportunity to assess their own needs and to advocate for themselves.  Don't underestimate Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  Humans require basic needs and safety.  Without these, the brain does not function as it should.  Emotions guide our decisions and the prefrontal cortex is unable to focus, make decisions, and even struggle with communication.  Does your student feel safe?  Are they hungry?  Did they sleep night?  All good inquiries. You may find out they didn't sleep or eat breakfast in which case you find them some food and a quiet place to rest for a bit.  

VALIDATE VALIDATE VALIDATE!!! Some students, especially teens, are told "you're overreacting", "toughen up," and other phrases that invalidate their emotions.  Validate their emotions!!! I believe this can really show the student you do care.  Saying, "that sounds difficult" or "It sounds like you're really mad" shows the student you're paying attention to them and really listening to them.  This can go a long way! It may not make a difference in the moment but can build a foundation for a better relationship in the future.  

Think of the student that's caused you the most stress this year?  What do you think they need?  Which of these approaches will help you the next time you interact with them?  It can be hard to decipher the function behind a students aggressiveness towards us.  Consult with coworkers and talk to those who have positive interactions with the student. As a social worker, you're most likely kind hearted already, but we are still human.  We still get angered and frustrated by student behaviors.  Take a breath, acknowledge and validate your own feelings too! Get support from your colleagues and keep moving forward! You got this!